I shouldnt have time for this.....

I shouldn't have time for this...this blog that is. I shouldn't make time for this. I was watching Julie/Julia on netflix last night and it just crossed my mind that I needed to do something as well to keep the sanity, or at least put the insanity out there. As the mother of a beautiful 3 year old girl, and a 5 week old son, until I go back to my gas station manager job next tuesday, I have been sitting at home the last 6 weeks with little sleep trying to keep my mood up. I love my babies, and I have a wonderful husband, but I am a facebooker, it is a weakness, I got a blackberry just so I could get on facebook away from home. Why is facebook so popular. Sure you get to chat and keep up with old friends, but honestly, I have over 100 "friends". But less than 10 people that I talk to on an average basis besides family. Granted, I am not one of those people who will just add anyone who invites me to be their friend, I know every single person in my friends list, weather it be that i went to school with them or worked with them, though I am from a small town of about 2000, sooo pretty much everyone is from there. Why have so many friends whom I don't talk to, I ask myself that sometimes, and then go on deleting rampages which as you know I'm sure only causes problems. But there is something about being able to delete a friend on facebook or any other social network that makes you feel in control, and well I have been called a control freak more than once. Someone makes you mad... "delete", sure it may be a little high school, but it doesn't over rule the feeling of impowerment(sp)....
Here I go getting off track again, I swear I have the short term memory of the dory fish in "Finding Nemo". Anyway what I was getting at is that facebook is kinda depressing, you get to see all these people that you know or once knew, and maybe their life is how you pictured your life turning out, maybe you are jealous. I will be the first one to admit I am a very jealous person, and lately I wear my heart on my sleeve. I said it before, I love my babies, and I wouldn't change a thing, but I'm a what if type of gal. What If I hadn't gotten married so young, what if I would have stayed in college. what would my life be like now if I went down the other road in life, whatever that is exactly. Me personally, I'm just 24, but I see all my highschool classmates graduating with bachelors and masters degrees from 4 year university's. And me, I sit at home with my babies with whom I love, in a week I will be going back to a job that i once loved, but now its too time consuming, and cant seem to handle the stress like i used to be able too. I just dread going back, But as I think about the what ifs, mine come to a halt, If I did go back to college, I have no idea what the hell I would want to be. I know alot of things that I would love to do, just nothing that I would want to do for the rest of my life. Part of me fantasizes about being a stay at home mom, but I know that I don't have the patients to be home 24/7, I would need some me time. I have never been good at doing anything for a long period of time, well thats not completely true, I am quite good at quitting things. I am not a simple person, I am quite complex, though I do dream of a simple life. What is a simple life anyway? I have always been facinated with the Amish, I know, how ironic, me someone who cant seem to live without her cell phone or computer. Well I love the idea of the Amish anyway. How they don't question anything, they know what needs to be done and they do it. If they need milk, they go milk the cow, if they need new clothes they make them, if they need food, they plant a garden and maintain it. They are soley(sp) dependent on themselves. Some would not call this the simple life, because they would actually have to work, no convienences. I wish I was less relient on modern technolegy and more relient on myself. But its just like a new years resolution, they are easy to make but hard to stick too. Change is good in theory, but is hard to do. I am so exhausted right now I'm just rambling on and not even sure if I'm making any sense. my son has been up for about 13 hours now , and I cant seem to get him to sleep, this has been the worst day for him since he was born, he is normally so good, eats good, sleeps good, doesn't really cry alot except for today. To top it off I have been sick for about a week, and have been throwing myself a pity party but forgot to send out invitations. Any new mother is tired i get that, nothing anyone hasn't heard before. Its almost 130 am now, and here I am tired as hell, and what do I think will make it better, a fucking blog about complete randomness, yeah ok, i MUST be going insane. I mean look at how long this first one is, and I havn't even typed a sentence that hasn't been a runon. Just so you know, this is how i talk too, i change the subject every 10 seconds, no one can keep up. I am about done now just thinking what my last line should be.......how about this,
Goodnight.

Tiffany